I'm moving to Mexico

Dear Mr. President,

I'm planning to move my family and my extended family into Mexico for my health and I would like to ask you to assist me.

We're planning to simply walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and we'll need your help to make a few arrangements.

We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I'm on my way over?

Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.

2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.

3. Please print all Mexican government forms in English.

4. I want my three kids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bi-lingual) teachers.

5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on American culture and history.

6. I want my kids to see the American flag on one of the flag poles at their school.

7. Please plan to feed my jids at school for both breakfast and lunch.

8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.

9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico, but I don't plan to purchase car insurance, and I probably won't make any special effort to learn local traffic laws.

10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from their president to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.

11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put U S. flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.

12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes or have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start.

13. Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be extremely nice and never say critical things about me or my family or about the strain we might place on their economy.

14. I want to receive free food stamps.

15. Naturally, I'll expect free rent subsidies.

16. I'll need Income tax credits so that although I don't pay Mexican taxes, I'll receive money from the government.

17. Please arrange it so that the Mexican government pays $4,500 to help me buy a new car.

18. Oh yes, I almost forgot, please enroll me free into the Mexican Social Security program so that I'll get a monthly income in retirement.

I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all his people who walk over to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that President Calderon won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.


Thank you so much for your kind help.

You're the man!

What I WISH my nuptials had been like

Now here are a bride and groom who are obviously SO delighted to be tying the knot, they can't make their feet behave.

Can I just say there is something about their unbridled joy that makes me jealous?

When I married Jeff at the ripe old age of 28, I was keenly aware of the standards of propriety to which I was expected to conform. I smiled at the right times, made certain that "The Kiss" wasn't, umm, passionate enough to raise any eyebrows and that my new husband didn't raise my skirt TOO high when he removed my garter at the end of the reception. I was a Southern lady through and through.

I'm not sure what's happened over the past 14 years, but I'm not THAT girl any more. I dare say if I'd known then what I know now ~ how rich married life can be, how delicious and satisfying the experience of sharing many years together, the rapturous thrill of gazing upon the face of a newborn that we created together ~ I'd have been dancing all the way to the altar and back.

Somehow, I don't think I could have ever gotten my groom to somersault in a tux, though.

A glory explosion in the teepee tonight

I was kissing G-man goodnight tonight in his teepee ~ a wonderful sixth birthday present a few weeks ago from his Nana ~ when he looked up at me with a puzzled look on his face.

"Momma, you wanna know what I prayed for tonight?"

"What, baby?"

"I prayed, 'Lord Jesus, thank you for this wonderful day. Thank you for my wonderful family and home. And when I die, do you think you could let me bring ALL my Webkinz to heaven with me?'"

"And what do you think He would say to that?" I asked, really not feeling like a big debate on exactly why we can't take all our material goods with us to our mansion in the sky.

"I think he would say no," G replied sadly. And then he brightened just a bit and said, "So I asked him just to fill them with His glory, so I never have to be apart from them for a SECOND!"

The boy does love his Webbies.

Yes, women ARE born this way ...

This is for any man who has ever wondered if the women in his world were hardwired to talk incessantly ...



My six-year-old son is fascinated by this video. He has asked me to replay it over and over since I first watched it yesterday morning. Each time, he stares at the screen the entire time with a look of curious delight on his face.

Soooo ... I decided to have a little fun with him last night.

"G, you don't know this, but that's the young lady you're going to marry one day," I told him.

Very quickly, the look of delight turned to one of fear.

"NO!" he exclaimed. "She talks too much!"

Oh, honey, we ALL do.

Little dancers

Aren't they BEAUTIFUL? The one on the left is mine, and I'm so proud of her and all her friends for the way they danced on Saturday. Such a sweet group of girls.

And what would YOU tell her?

The girls and I journeyed down to Little Rock this weekend for the Little Rock Feis. Along the way, S(9) was reading billboards aloud and asked, "Mom, what's an adult?"

"It's a grownup," I replied.

"So ........" she paused, furrowing her brows and obviously thinking hard about the next question. "An adult supercenter is a big Wal-Mart where they sell grownups?"

"Not exactly," I said, thinking VERY hard about how to answer the question I knew was coming next.

"Oh!" C(7) replied. "Stuff like wine and beer?"

"Yeah. That's it!" I answered, thankful she had bailed me out on this one.

It was an answer all three of us could be satisfied with.

Changing names

My blog has turned into nothing more than kid stories ... I would apologize for that except for the fact that I don't scrapbook or do a very good job of keeping up with baby books, and so this is ~ in a very real sense ~ my children's only record of their childhood.

Two stories about G:

School conferences were held today and as is my custom before meeting with teachers, I always ask the kids what they think I will hear when I ask how they are doing.

Driving home from school yesterday, I asked G what Mrs. B was going to tell me. "That I'm a perfect angel and she wishes she had a whole kindergarten class full of boys just like me," he immediately replied. The kid didn't even stop to think of his response which I found funnier than his actual answer.

"And how hard is Ms. B going to choke on her coffee when I tell her what you just said?" I asked him.

Again, an immediate response.

"Pretty hard, Mom. Pretty hard."

Can you stand one more??

This afternoon, he asked me out of the blue if it was too late to change his name.

"Yes, G," I answered. "Dad and I picked your name very carefully when you were born, and I don't want to change it. What would you want it to be?"

Wistfully (and very seriously), he answered, "Wrestle Fart Toot."